Perspective & Kishi-ness

Being the only fat person in my circle where everyone is almost perfect looking (fair, thin, tall) hasn't been an easy thing for me to grow up with, live with or come to terms with. This discomfort has seeped into almost all parts of my social life, and I am awkward around people for the most part. This has also resulted in a drastic dampening of my dressing style. I'm a girl who would like to be wearing all black with a different colour nail polish on every nail. I'm a girl who would wear a different earring in each ear. Okay, to cut it short, I have always been inspired by Claudia Kishi of the BSC (whatclaudiawore.blogspot.com), and that Claudia part of me is still there.. but  I just end up wearing dowdy clothes mostly, clothes that won't attract much attention, clothes that would make me just another brick in the wall.

 I was looking around the internet when I came across these blogs, "fat fashion blogs", where even size 16's maintain fashion blogs and get featured in magazines, and I was just in awe. There aren't too many Indians doing that, but still it was inspirational. While on one of those, I saw something that made me stop and reconsider. I read those lines but they didn't sink in until much later. It was something on the lines of how this lady always perceived herself to be a "thin one" in her head, and had this disconnect with her body, and that it was time to be taking charge of it.

How significant that was, I hadn't processed until much later, one day, when I took out my bike to the nearby grocer's. This was just after the announcement of the separate state of Telangana. There were a few people giving me strange looks, and a few more hostile, and a few more friendlier than normal. I didn't get it. I thought it was something about the way I looked or dressed that day, and I just went about my life. Later, when I took out my bike once again, I realized there was a "TG" painted on it in bright red. TG, standing for Telangana, which some angry protesters forcefully painted on the bike when my father was stuck in a traffic jam. We had never bothered to remove it. But there it was. Something that made people judge you a lot, something that you had sort of no control over. ( Some people don't want a separate T state, some do, and hence all the bias -- for those not in the loop)

This is what it's like being fat. You have no conscious feeling of it in your mind all the time. In your head your just.. there. Skin and bones. What people see you as, what you are externally, your physical image, that's something else entirely. I don't know if it's like this just for me, or everyone in general. But the disconnect exists. It needs to be rectified if I am to take steps towards a more healthy, positive self-image, and a more healthy body. I've been hearing incidents about people suffering from heart attacks at the ages of 22 and 23 and juvenile diabetes, and it's really scary.

However, I have realized that life is too short to waste on overthinking, and decided to channel my inner Claudia, and placed an order for Wedge Sneakers even though my mum insists they look like "worker boots". Oh well.

Kthanksbai.

3 comments:

Ananya said...

Fat or not fat, there is no reason for you to not follow fashion or wear whatever the hell you want to!
Since I'm too attached to fashion and too fat. I study and adapt the trends and get my clothes custom made for me. That way I can be all happy without the all the big brands looking down on the size of me.
Plus haute couture > branded stuff B)

Furree Katt said...

I love the wedge sneakers you ordered! very cool. and you know, being perfect does not mean being fair, tall and thin. that's society's warped and totally incorrect perception.

Sadhana. said...

@Ananya- that's so true. Guess I'll have to start doing that from now on!
@Furree- I know, but it's hard to not let it get to you sometimes. BTW, you remind me a lot of Claudia!!

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